Wednesday, December 10, 2008

The Mysterious Vanishing Act

It has been a rough week. One that culminated in one of the most awful days in my life today. It's hard when your professional life AND your personal life take a nose dive at the same time. Professionally, it's just the same old exhausting schedule. Being on call every fourth night is not my idea of a restful lifestyle. I swear that I find new gray hairs post-call every time that were not there pre-call. And it wears on you (not the gray hairs - well them too -but the being on call every fourth night). I've noticed that I've started to make mistakes. Missing things here and there that before I might have missed out of ignorance but now I miss because I'm so tired and stressed. And, it's not just me. The schedule wears on everyone and even the most competent seniors miss things too because they are over stretched and sleep deprived much like us interns. It's just not a healthy lifestyle for anyone.

But, as if that's not enough, my personal life has been taking a toll on me too recently. You might remember that a few weeks ago it was all 'la vida es hermosa'. And it was. Briefly. Being in love will do that to you.

After I had my heart completely shattered last year, it took me a long time to heal and to be in a place emotionally where I was ready to try my heart at love again. As you may have gathered from my recent cryptic postings, I finally met someone I felt was worthwhile. Someone I thought was different. Sweet. Thoughtful. Smart. Funny. Loving. Very loving. Someone with a lot of potential. There was only one issue. And it stayed there at the back of my mind, gnawing. Eating away. Yet, the temptation to give in and enjoy was too great. So, I did. Yet, I tried to be careful. Mindful of the issue looming at the back of my mind. It was a precarious balance. Little by little, his warm and loving ways made the concern fade slowly. Little sweet text messages daily. Love pages when I was on call to break up a stressful day. Little good night notes. It was all so wonderful. Romantic dinners with live guitar music and him feeding me, which made my friends gag, all the while secretly wishing they had someone doing that for them as well. It was all so perfect. Whisperings of love, of never having felt this way before, of a future together. He made me believe that this really was something special. Until, suddenly one day....nothing. Complete silence.

No texts, no phone calls, no pages. No response to my concerned phone calls. Nothing. Nada. Just silence. And not a silence I enjoy. I wear down my phone battery daily by constantly checking to see if there's any word. Anything? Nothing. The worst is that I have no idea what happened. Everything was fine and now there's nothing. My heart broken all over again.

And then came today. Completely unrelated to the above, it was news that hit me hard where it hurts. It's all too much to handle all at once. I'm overwhelmed. Exhausted. Tired. Sad. Very sad.

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