It is interesting the items that end up getting mixed together when you move. In one arm you're carrying a box of shoes and in the other, a case of beer. Your plants and a bag of toiletries. A box of books and a bag of towels. Your purse collection loaded in your arms with bags of pasta and cereal dangling below. As I was carrying yet more stuff from my old place to the new place this evening, I could not help but reflect on the interesting juxtaposition of items when you move. How did my glasses, cups, and coffee mugs end up getting carried into the new place along with my socks and underwear?
For a relatively organized person, you'd think I'd have some kind of rhyme, reason, or strategy to this whole moving thing. Alas, no. The object has just been to carry as much as I've been able to at a time; saving the items I use daily for last. But, the thing I find most interesting of all is how much stuff I have accummulated. The place I currently live in is pretty darn small. In fact, it is not much larger than some people's walk in closets. Hence, the small size effectively puts a limit on how much stuff I have been able to keep on hand. It is thus a complete mystery to me how I've accummulated so much stuff or where it has all been hiding.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Prinsessan Tuvstarr aka Princess Cottongrass
My favorite story of all times is 'Sagan Om Älgtjuren Skutt och Lilla Prinsessan Tuvstarr' or as it is translated into English: 'Leap The Elk and Little Princess Cottongrass', with beautiful illustrations by the artist John Bauer.
I probably have one of the worst memories in recorded history, but this beautiful fairy tale made such an impression on me as a child that the story and its illustrations have stuck with me ever since.
The fairytale weaves the magical beauty of the deep dark Swedish forest into the main theme of the story and it begins....
"Have you ever been in a large forest and seen a strange black tarn hidden deep among the tall trees? It looks bewitched and a little frightening. All is still - fir trees and pines huddle close and silent on all sides. Sometimes the trees bend cautiously and shyly over the water as if they are wondering what may be hidden in the dark depths. There is another forest growing in the water, and it, too, is full of wonder and stillness. Strangest of all, never have the two forests been able to speak to each other...."
The tale is that of little Princess Cottongrass [Prinsessan Tuvstarr], a small, vulnerable and nymph like little girl with long wavy blond hair who quietly slips away from the Dream Castle where she lives and meets Longleg Leap the Elk, a strong, loyal, and protective animal who carries the little princess out in the world on his powerful back after the princess pleads to take her with him:
" 'How big and stately you are. You have a crown, too. Let me come with you. Let me sit behind your neck, and then carry me out into life.' The elk hesitates. 'The world is big and cold, little child, and you are so small. The world is full of evil and wickedness, and it will hurt you.' 'No, no. I am young and warm. I have warmth enough for everyone. I am small and good, and want to share the good that I have.' 'Princess, the forest is dark and the roads are dangerous.' 'But you are with me. You are great and strong, and can easily defend us both.'"
Thus, the strong and wise elk carries the innocent and vulnerable Princess on his back out into the world. At first, all is well and the princess is delighted with what she sees on her journey. But, the princess is vulnerable and dangers from the dark forest lurk everywhere and, little by little, rob the princess of her innocence. At some point in the journey, she finds herself naked, robbed of her fine white gown. The elk watches over her vulnerable naked body as she sleeps under the stars at night. He becomes anxious, worried that his strength and wisdom will not be sufficient to protect the little princess.
"He seems to want to move on, and bends down to let the princess climb on his back. Then they are gone in a rush, galloping east. He hardly hears when she calls to him, and rarely answers. As if in a fever he breaks through the tangled forest at a furious rate. 'Where are we going?' asks Princess Cottongrass. 'To the pool,' is the answer. 'Deep in the forest is a pool, and that is where I go when autumn is coming. No person has ever been there, but you shall see it.'"
The elk warns her to be careful of the danger in the water, to watch her golden heart chain around her neck. But, the princess, mesmerized by the dark shining water bends forward for a closer look and the golden heard slips over her head and drops in the pool. 'Oh, my heart, the golden heart that my mother gave me the day I was born. Oh, what shall I do?' She is inconsolable and wanders over the tussocks to look for her heart. The elk warns her 'It is dangerous for you here. Looking for one thing, you will forget everything else.'
But, the princess wants to stay to find her heart. She gently strokes the elk and kisses his bent head. 'Then, small and slim and undressed, she goes and sits down on a grassy hillock. For a long time the elk stands quite still and looks at the small girl. But when she no longer seems to notice that he is there, he turns and disappears with hesitant steps into the forest.'
"Many years have passed. Still Princess Cottongrass sits and looks wonderingly into the water for her heart. She is no longer a little girl. Instead, a slender plant, crowned with white cotton, stands leaning over the edge of the pool. Now and then the elk returns, stops, and looks at it tenderly. Only he knows that this is the princess from Dream Castle. Perhaps she nods and smiles, for he is an old friend, but she does not want to follow him back; she cannot follow any more, as long as she is under the spell. The spell lies in the pool. Far, far under the water lies a lost heart."
Still Princess Cottongrass sits and looks wonderingly into the dark depths of the water.
I probably have one of the worst memories in recorded history, but this beautiful fairy tale made such an impression on me as a child that the story and its illustrations have stuck with me ever since.
The fairytale weaves the magical beauty of the deep dark Swedish forest into the main theme of the story and it begins....
"Have you ever been in a large forest and seen a strange black tarn hidden deep among the tall trees? It looks bewitched and a little frightening. All is still - fir trees and pines huddle close and silent on all sides. Sometimes the trees bend cautiously and shyly over the water as if they are wondering what may be hidden in the dark depths. There is another forest growing in the water, and it, too, is full of wonder and stillness. Strangest of all, never have the two forests been able to speak to each other...."
The tale is that of little Princess Cottongrass [Prinsessan Tuvstarr], a small, vulnerable and nymph like little girl with long wavy blond hair who quietly slips away from the Dream Castle where she lives and meets Longleg Leap the Elk, a strong, loyal, and protective animal who carries the little princess out in the world on his powerful back after the princess pleads to take her with him:
" 'How big and stately you are. You have a crown, too. Let me come with you. Let me sit behind your neck, and then carry me out into life.' The elk hesitates. 'The world is big and cold, little child, and you are so small. The world is full of evil and wickedness, and it will hurt you.' 'No, no. I am young and warm. I have warmth enough for everyone. I am small and good, and want to share the good that I have.' 'Princess, the forest is dark and the roads are dangerous.' 'But you are with me. You are great and strong, and can easily defend us both.'"
Thus, the strong and wise elk carries the innocent and vulnerable Princess on his back out into the world. At first, all is well and the princess is delighted with what she sees on her journey. But, the princess is vulnerable and dangers from the dark forest lurk everywhere and, little by little, rob the princess of her innocence. At some point in the journey, she finds herself naked, robbed of her fine white gown. The elk watches over her vulnerable naked body as she sleeps under the stars at night. He becomes anxious, worried that his strength and wisdom will not be sufficient to protect the little princess.
"He seems to want to move on, and bends down to let the princess climb on his back. Then they are gone in a rush, galloping east. He hardly hears when she calls to him, and rarely answers. As if in a fever he breaks through the tangled forest at a furious rate. 'Where are we going?' asks Princess Cottongrass. 'To the pool,' is the answer. 'Deep in the forest is a pool, and that is where I go when autumn is coming. No person has ever been there, but you shall see it.'"
The elk warns her to be careful of the danger in the water, to watch her golden heart chain around her neck. But, the princess, mesmerized by the dark shining water bends forward for a closer look and the golden heard slips over her head and drops in the pool. 'Oh, my heart, the golden heart that my mother gave me the day I was born. Oh, what shall I do?' She is inconsolable and wanders over the tussocks to look for her heart. The elk warns her 'It is dangerous for you here. Looking for one thing, you will forget everything else.'
But, the princess wants to stay to find her heart. She gently strokes the elk and kisses his bent head. 'Then, small and slim and undressed, she goes and sits down on a grassy hillock. For a long time the elk stands quite still and looks at the small girl. But when she no longer seems to notice that he is there, he turns and disappears with hesitant steps into the forest.'
"Many years have passed. Still Princess Cottongrass sits and looks wonderingly into the water for her heart. She is no longer a little girl. Instead, a slender plant, crowned with white cotton, stands leaning over the edge of the pool. Now and then the elk returns, stops, and looks at it tenderly. Only he knows that this is the princess from Dream Castle. Perhaps she nods and smiles, for he is an old friend, but she does not want to follow him back; she cannot follow any more, as long as she is under the spell. The spell lies in the pool. Far, far under the water lies a lost heart."
Still Princess Cottongrass sits and looks wonderingly into the dark depths of the water.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Mysterious Vanishing Act
It has been a rough week. One that culminated in one of the most awful days in my life today. It's hard when your professional life AND your personal life take a nose dive at the same time. Professionally, it's just the same old exhausting schedule. Being on call every fourth night is not my idea of a restful lifestyle. I swear that I find new gray hairs post-call every time that were not there pre-call. And it wears on you (not the gray hairs - well them too -but the being on call every fourth night). I've noticed that I've started to make mistakes. Missing things here and there that before I might have missed out of ignorance but now I miss because I'm so tired and stressed. And, it's not just me. The schedule wears on everyone and even the most competent seniors miss things too because they are over stretched and sleep deprived much like us interns. It's just not a healthy lifestyle for anyone.
But, as if that's not enough, my personal life has been taking a toll on me too recently. You might remember that a few weeks ago it was all 'la vida es hermosa'. And it was. Briefly. Being in love will do that to you.
After I had my heart completely shattered last year, it took me a long time to heal and to be in a place emotionally where I was ready to try my heart at love again. As you may have gathered from my recent cryptic postings, I finally met someone I felt was worthwhile. Someone I thought was different. Sweet. Thoughtful. Smart. Funny. Loving. Very loving. Someone with a lot of potential. There was only one issue. And it stayed there at the back of my mind, gnawing. Eating away. Yet, the temptation to give in and enjoy was too great. So, I did. Yet, I tried to be careful. Mindful of the issue looming at the back of my mind. It was a precarious balance. Little by little, his warm and loving ways made the concern fade slowly. Little sweet text messages daily. Love pages when I was on call to break up a stressful day. Little good night notes. It was all so wonderful. Romantic dinners with live guitar music and him feeding me, which made my friends gag, all the while secretly wishing they had someone doing that for them as well. It was all so perfect. Whisperings of love, of never having felt this way before, of a future together. He made me believe that this really was something special. Until, suddenly one day....nothing. Complete silence.
No texts, no phone calls, no pages. No response to my concerned phone calls. Nothing. Nada. Just silence. And not a silence I enjoy. I wear down my phone battery daily by constantly checking to see if there's any word. Anything? Nothing. The worst is that I have no idea what happened. Everything was fine and now there's nothing. My heart broken all over again.
And then came today. Completely unrelated to the above, it was news that hit me hard where it hurts. It's all too much to handle all at once. I'm overwhelmed. Exhausted. Tired. Sad. Very sad.
But, as if that's not enough, my personal life has been taking a toll on me too recently. You might remember that a few weeks ago it was all 'la vida es hermosa'. And it was. Briefly. Being in love will do that to you.
After I had my heart completely shattered last year, it took me a long time to heal and to be in a place emotionally where I was ready to try my heart at love again. As you may have gathered from my recent cryptic postings, I finally met someone I felt was worthwhile. Someone I thought was different. Sweet. Thoughtful. Smart. Funny. Loving. Very loving. Someone with a lot of potential. There was only one issue. And it stayed there at the back of my mind, gnawing. Eating away. Yet, the temptation to give in and enjoy was too great. So, I did. Yet, I tried to be careful. Mindful of the issue looming at the back of my mind. It was a precarious balance. Little by little, his warm and loving ways made the concern fade slowly. Little sweet text messages daily. Love pages when I was on call to break up a stressful day. Little good night notes. It was all so wonderful. Romantic dinners with live guitar music and him feeding me, which made my friends gag, all the while secretly wishing they had someone doing that for them as well. It was all so perfect. Whisperings of love, of never having felt this way before, of a future together. He made me believe that this really was something special. Until, suddenly one day....nothing. Complete silence.
No texts, no phone calls, no pages. No response to my concerned phone calls. Nothing. Nada. Just silence. And not a silence I enjoy. I wear down my phone battery daily by constantly checking to see if there's any word. Anything? Nothing. The worst is that I have no idea what happened. Everything was fine and now there's nothing. My heart broken all over again.
And then came today. Completely unrelated to the above, it was news that hit me hard where it hurts. It's all too much to handle all at once. I'm overwhelmed. Exhausted. Tired. Sad. Very sad.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Panta Rei
It's funny how quickly things change. One minute, it seems completely indisputable that things are a certain way. The next minute, you find that they have changed drastically. You're not quite sure why or how. All you know is that something is different. You don't fully understand how it reached that point. You wonder if it was something you said. Or perhaps, something you didn't say, or should have said. But in the end, you conclude that it really would not have made a difference. Or would it? You cannot help but to wonder what difference, if any, an alternate conversation or action would have had on the outcome. In the end, isn't it the bigger picture that rules? You'd like to think so, but realize that life isn't always fair and that sometimes things are skewed by one tiny detail that was off. You hope it's not the case, but really, what, if anything, can you do about it at this point? It's said, it's done. It's over. Time to move on to the next thing. Panta rei. Everything flows. You can never step into the same river twice. All you can do is keep passing the open windows.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Oh, The Entanglements We Weave
It is interesting. Us humans, we are such social creatures. We crave human connection. We thrive on it. Little bridges between people. Uniting us. Keeping us connected to one another. At times it almost reaches desperate proportions. We do what we know is not good or healthy for us, just to maintain a connection with one another. We know that sooner or later, the bond will be severed. Slit. Torn to shreds. Mutilated. Violently trashed. A human connection consumed like yet another commercial product we carelessly toss aside when we are done with it.
Yet, we forge ahead knowing full well that disaster waits around the corner. All to avoid the desperate feeling of being an island, alone. At times we thrive on the desperate pursuit. At times, it brings us to the darkest brink of despair. The agony and the ecstasy. But, when the unavoidable happens, you know. De Niro said it best in Ronin: "Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt." In your heart of hearts, you know. You know it's coming. The end. But, do you stop? No. The voice of reason speaks to you. You hear it loud and clear. Still, do you stop? No, of course not. You are too desperate to be alone.
Yet, we forge ahead knowing full well that disaster waits around the corner. All to avoid the desperate feeling of being an island, alone. At times we thrive on the desperate pursuit. At times, it brings us to the darkest brink of despair. The agony and the ecstasy. But, when the unavoidable happens, you know. De Niro said it best in Ronin: "Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt." In your heart of hearts, you know. You know it's coming. The end. But, do you stop? No. The voice of reason speaks to you. You hear it loud and clear. Still, do you stop? No, of course not. You are too desperate to be alone.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Of Sleep
I am still not able to sleep at night. I'm tossing and turning. These past few days have been days off with no work related stress whatsoever. Should have slept like a baby and enjoyed it before the good vacation comes to an abrupt end tomorrow. Alas, no. No such luck. I'm still plagued by the thing that is bugging me at the back of my mind. I know it's there. I should just deal with it. Perhaps if I did, I would actually sleep well at night. Not right away, of course. Once I actually deal with it, the sleeplessness will get far worse before it gets any better. Not to mention that it will make me restless during the day as well. Not sure I can handle all of that right now.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Dialing In A Forgotten Voice, Rolling In Like Waves Coming Off The Coast
We have been enjoying a wonderful time at the lake house. Long leisurely dog walks along the beach. Lake side fire chats. Indoor fire chats. Lounging and sipping wine and other beverages of indulgence. Amazing friends. Great food. Relaxing and playing games. We even have a talented writer among us who generously entertained us by reading some of his stories. It really has been a dream come true. One couldn't ask for a more perfect weekend. If only it weren't for this one thing nagging, tugging, pulling at the back of my mind. Last night I couldn't sleep and this morning I awoke early. Not even the dogs are awake yet. The waves too are quiet this morning.
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